It's been over a year since I've published a blog post, and I've decided it's time to come back. My reasons center more around my writing in general; I'm considering pursuing a career in journalism or publishing, but I spend hardly any of my time writing, and when I do write I feel stuck and out of ideas. So it's time for me to get back to my old method of giving my brain a shake and forcing myself to write anything that comes to mind! Please bare with me if this post jumps around a bit - the next few entries should be more normal.
Looking back at my previous blog posts, I'm struck with how different things in my life are now. That's of course a given and it shouldn't surprise me, but it does. I'm now twenty years old and "living in the real world" with a job and no college degree, trying to make rent every month (thank God my mother is my landlord) and keep my sanity as I wait for something to change. I realize how dismal that sentence sounded, and I promise I haven't completely succumbed to any negative feelings. I actually am pretty grateful for my current job; I'm in retail, but I was recently promoted to manager and the extra responsibilities make the time go by much easier. The stress is manageable, I have some great coworkers among the not-so-great, and I'm learning a lot about how businesses run and how much I can handle.
This year and a half of not being in school has proven how much my education has been linked to my sense of self. I truly feel in limbo as I wait to get my state residency so that I can start back at the community college. When I was eighteen and freshly graduated from high school, I felt left out that my friends were having a university experience while I was going the junior college route. I'm sitting here now in disbelief that I was ever unappreciative of being in school at all. A lot of my confidence in my abilities stem from doing well in school, so now that I don't have essays, analyses, and math to prove my worth I'm having a hard time finding standards to judge myself on.
Of course, there are plenty of other ways to judge my character. My work ethic at my job is admirable. I'm becoming a more patient person as I navigate the rough waters of being a boss, even a low level one. I still try to sympathize with others and see their point of view; I do this in person with those that I meet, as well as through the writing of people from different backgrounds. I try to keep my mind as open as possible. I compliment others whenever I have a good thought towards them and I get pure, true joy from seeing loved ones happy. I'm always looking to learn new facts about the world. I am working on my social skills and find myself craving company more than I ever have before - the isolated begins to retreat from her cave.
Despite the ease with which I just compiled the positives list, most days I still feel hopeless with myself as I grow at a slower pace than I intend. My personality and character is still developing even though some would consider me grown, and I'm quite impatient with my progress. To make matters worse, I've made some choices that were pretty detrimental to my self-esteem, and as a result the last year has kept me feeling lost and like a stranger to myself. I'm only just now starting to feel like I can get a grip on my life again, and I intend to finish riding out this (hopefully) final wave of adolescent angst and start to feel more sure in who I am and will be.
The battle against my self-esteem has been incredibly long and impossible, but I'm truly done with being unhappy with myself. My first year alone in Colorado, which is when I wrote the majority of my blog posts, showed me how beautiful life is if I say fuck it and take risks to go see it. There is so much I've been and still am sheltered from, and I need to shake off the anxieties and explore. I've explored the world and I've explored myself, but I've never fully explored my place in the world.
Side note - I'm not going to read this over for errors. Please forgive me any incoherent sentences or spelling mistakes. :)
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