Ramblings of the Lost

It's been over a year since I've published a blog post, and I've decided it's time to come back. My reasons center more around my writing in general; I'm considering pursuing a career in journalism or publishing, but I spend hardly any of my time writing, and when I do write I feel stuck and out of ideas. So it's time for me to get back to my old method of giving my brain a shake and forcing myself to write anything that comes to mind! Please bare with me if this post jumps around a bit - the next few entries should be more normal.

Looking back at my previous blog posts, I'm struck with how different things in my life are now. That's of course a given and it shouldn't surprise me, but it does. I'm now twenty years old and "living in the real world" with a job and no college degree, trying to make rent every month (thank God my mother is my landlord) and keep my sanity as I wait for something to change. I realize how dismal that sentence sounded, and I promise I haven't completely succumbed to any negative feelings. I actually am pretty grateful for my current job; I'm in retail, but I was recently promoted to manager and the extra responsibilities make the time go by much easier. The stress is manageable, I have some great coworkers among the not-so-great, and I'm learning a lot about how businesses run and how much I can handle.

This year and a half of not being in school has proven how much my education has been linked to my sense of self. I truly feel in limbo as I wait to get my state residency so that I can start back at the community college. When I was eighteen and freshly graduated from high school, I felt left out that my friends were having a university experience while I was going the junior college route. I'm sitting here now in disbelief that I was ever unappreciative of being in school at all. A lot of my confidence in my abilities stem from doing well in school, so now that I don't have essays, analyses, and math to prove my worth I'm having a hard time finding standards to judge myself on.

Of course, there are plenty of other ways to judge my character. My work ethic at my job is admirable. I'm becoming a more patient person as I navigate the rough waters of being a boss, even a low level one. I still try to sympathize with others and see their point of view; I do this in person with those that I meet, as well as through the writing of people from different backgrounds. I try to keep my mind as open as possible. I compliment others whenever I have a good thought towards them and I get pure, true joy from seeing loved ones happy. I'm always looking to learn new facts about the world. I am working on my social skills and find myself craving company more than I ever have before - the isolated begins to retreat from her cave.

Despite the ease with which I just compiled the positives list, most days I still feel hopeless with myself as I grow at a slower pace than I intend. My personality and character is still developing even though some would consider me grown, and I'm quite impatient with my progress. To make matters worse, I've made some choices that were pretty detrimental to my self-esteem, and as a result the last year has kept me feeling lost and like a stranger to myself. I'm only just now starting to feel like I can get a grip on my life again, and I intend to finish riding out this (hopefully) final wave of adolescent angst and start to feel more sure in who I am and will be.

The battle against my self-esteem has been incredibly long and impossible, but I'm truly done with being unhappy with myself. My first year alone in Colorado, which is when I wrote the majority of my blog posts, showed me how beautiful life is if I say fuck it and take risks to go see it. There is so much I've been and still am sheltered from, and I need to shake off the anxieties and explore. I've explored the world and I've explored myself, but I've never fully explored my place in the world.

Side note - I'm not going to read this over for errors. Please forgive me any incoherent sentences or spelling mistakes. :) 

Some Smaller Goals

- Send cards/letters on birthdays or for thank-you's

- Start being more assertive in the way I talk. Less beating around the bush, more saying things straight out. 

- Instead of buying it canned, make my dogs' wet food with chicken, vegetables, steak etc. 

- Pack good healthy meals for work. Including prepping the night before 

- Take Blue on more adventures to the park, Petsmart etc 

- Write more! 

How I'm Not Losing My Mind In Between Jobs

• Shower every morning - and wash hair at least every two days!
• Take short walks with the dogs every day
• Offer to be the one to run errands and go grocery shopping
• Start really working on my 2016 Reading Challenge (only a few months left until 2017 and still need to read 35 books before then - oops)
• Focus on learning a language (thanks duolingo)
• Talk to people (mom, exbf, kind strangers from my online book clubs)
• Cook cook cook!
• Read while out somewhere - park, library, Starbucks

Unemployment does not suit me. I'm used to having a really busy schedule, and lazing around all day makes me feel like trash. My motivation starts to go, I start to eat junk food, I overthink everything... the list goes on. Giving myself the illusion of having things to do can really help. Wish me luck on getting this job!

Adopting My First Dog!

Hey guys! So I am finally getting settled back at my parents' house in California. If you missed my last post, I moved back to my old town a little over a week ago, and since I road tripped it I got to bring my wonderful Husky, Blue! 

I can't believe I didn't write about Blue when I first got him. I adopted him from the Aurora, CO shelter with my boyfriend in mid-July, so I have only had the pleasure of knowing him for around a month. We were a little hesitant when the shelter told us that he was around eight years old. But he was found on the street, and went through two shelters before we crossed paths! Can you believe nobody wanted to adopt him?! We couldn't stand to leave him there for even another hour, so we made the impulse decision to rescue a senior dog. He is such a sweetheart, very mellow and very curious about everything.

Unfortunately, almost immediately we realized something was wrong with Blue's back legs once we got him home. The shelter told us his only medical problem was some dental issues and did not mention arthritis or injury, so we were upset to see him walking around a bit funny. We figured that he was just a little stiff from limited exercise, and decided to wait and see if it got better or worse.

The weakness in his back legs definitely did not go away, and it was hard to ignore his difficulty walking upstairs and rising after laying down. The worst part was the constant wandering and the panting. Even after he was completely comfortable with us, he continued to spend hours roaming the house and only laying down to sleep. And even while laying down, you could hear his panting from the other room. He was obviously in some pain that was not going away, so here in California I took him to the vet to get some x-rays done.

Today, I received the sad news. Blue has intervertebral disc disease, and the vet said there is a good possibility that without warning, Blue may become completely paralyzed in his back legs. It's a problem with his spine, not his legs, and arthritis has very little to do with it. I'm a nineteen year old with limited funds, and Blue is already an old dog (the vet said she thinks he's actually around ten), so surgery isn't an option. The only thing to do is wait and see how the disease progresses.

Even so, I have accepted the fact that Blue is an old dog that will not live forever, and I am prepared to simply enjoy our time together and continue to learn from one another. Already, he has eased my transition to another place and been my solace when everything seems scary and impossible. When I feel like I'm wasting time by not being in school or working at a job with potential to move up, he becomes my one purpose and I'm comforted by having something to genuinely care for. We are blessings to each other and enjoy each other's love, and I won't let something that might happen in the future ruin that. He'll be with me until the end, no matter his condition, and he'll be so loved and cared for that nothing else will matter. I don't at all regret welcoming him into my life, as he is already humbling me and keeping my head down on Earth.

It's tough to have an animal of your own when you're this young, and it isn't a light decision to make (especially if adopting an older animal with potential medical problems), but if you're financially strong and have a lot of time to care for a pet, I think it can be a life-changing experience that will teach you so many life lessons. Pets aren't for everyone, but they are definitely my calling and I can already tell that I will be repeating this process with many, many animals in the future. It gives me such joy to give animals the shelter, food, warmth, toys, and affection they need. I'm already thinking about how I want to adopt a cat in the future... but that'll be a little while. Right now I will just enjoy my Blue and my family dog Nacho (a yellow lab!) and experience life here as much as I can.

Adventure

As I write this, I am sitting in a hotel room in Salt Lake City. This is a stop during my road trip from Colorado back to my old town in California. I only truly decided to do this last Thursday, six days ago. Despite being a last-minute decision, it is something I am now completely comfortable with and looking forward to.

I really need a break from my "normal" to focus on what I really want. I'm young, only nineteen years old, and I'm still discovering who I am and who I am not. I think that changing my environment and finding some time alone back in a city without a job, school, or boyfriend (whom I will still desperately miss) will let me explore some newer parts of me and allow me to see how I will survive in a familiar environment as a completely different person.

I had some doubts about going back to my town. I hated it so much while I was in high school, and I couldn't wait to leave it. Now, I wonder if that same sadness and feeling of being trapped will engulf me again. But, as my boyfriend pointed out, I have changed so much while living in Colorado, and I'll be moving back with new perspectives and thought processes. While it may be familiar, it will definitely not be the same. But that's life; life changes, and if you don't change with it, you'll find yourself feeling lost and empty. At least that's my limited experience.

So I'm excited about this challenge. And it's only temporary; I'll be back in gorgeous Colorado in just ten short months. This decision has already led me to my first real road trip without my family, and my first time seeing Wyoming and Utah. And it's given me the chance to live with my adorable husky Blue. I'm excited to see where the next year takes me.

Goodbye Meaningless

I saw a facebook post from a friend who has recently gone on a month-long trip around Europe with her husband and sons. She wrote that despite being gone for a month, she survived on just a couple of shirts, pants, shorts, and shoes, plus a jacket or two. Once she came back home, she realized that her overflowing closet was completely unnecessary, and immediately decided to throw out over half of it. That really stuck with me, and so I've decided to do the same (unfortunately without the Europe vacation).

I have noticed that I am pretty reliant on my things. I have a lot of clothes, as well as different types of clothes, but I still sometimes feel that I need more. I'm tempted by almost all clothing sale ads that come up on my computer, and even when I do buy more clothes, I can never bring myself to give away the really old ones that will then never be used. I can go a couple weeks without doing laundry, and still find adequate things to wear.

Further, I have drawers and drawers of junk that I don't know what to do with. One of my dresser drawers is completely taken up with this, and to be honest I'm not completely sure what exactly is in it. I attach so much meaning to objects, but all that happens is that when I want to find something that I really need, like headphones or a charger, I have to sift through mountains of things irrelevant to my life now.

There is a fire in the mountains pretty close to my city that has burned down a few houses and threatened hundreds more. Thousands of people have had to evacuate, leaving behind their homes and most of their belongings. It's heartbreaking to think about, but I've realized that if it ever happens to me, I don't want to be heartbroken over the things lost in the fire; obviously, I will be heartbroken over my sudden lack of home, and understandably disappointed over money lost. But I want to be able to turn my back on the things lost and remain happy that I am with my family and able to move on. It is the same for if my house ever was robbed.

So my newest project will be to throw out at least half of my things that I have not used/worn since moving here. I'm talking multiple garbage bags. Afterwards, my room should be easier to clean and organize, and hopefully I can go on from there to continue to detach myself from materialistic things.

I Do Not Want To Be...

A scared woman. Life is tough. Anxiety, stress, and fear are normal parts of life, especially if you want to go far and test yourself. However, I will not let "scared" become my adjective. Living life scared to death of everything is not living at all; I want to work with my fears and overcome them, so that they do not hold me back. I will talk to strangers; ask for what I want; take leaps of faith; go wherever I want.

A clueless woman. I don't want to just know everything about one thing; I want to know a little about everything. I want to never lose my deep curiosity and interest in everything happening around me.

A cold woman. Life requires some tough decision-making and strong will, but I will not allow that to turn my heart into stone. Even though the world around us seems to be heartless, I will not lose my connection to my heart and kind nature.

A predictable woman. Spontaneity and change are my best friends. Life is boring without it. 

An invisible woman. I've spent a lot of my life trying to blend in and hide from everyone. I am still not a huge fan of the spotlight, but I'm learning to be okay with stepping out and showing myself.

An envious woman. Comparing myself to others will do nothing for me. I need to focus on myself and my accomplishments, and only then will I be truly happy.

A lazy woman. To me, life is about both hard work and hard play. I don't mind a day sweating at work or stressing out about homework, and I don't mind spending that night wasted going out with my boyfriend. I want to put my all into everything I do, and make it all meaningful.

A sad woman. Negative emotions, like fear, are parts of life. But again, I will not let that become my adjective. After a day of only tears and internal screaming and anxiety, I want to be able to look at the sunset and be flooded with love for life.